JOE BROLLY: Wise up Marty

THERE used to be a county court judge in the North who did not like hearing complicated cases, a sensible man who liked to get home early in the day. Once, I had an equity civil bill in front of him, neighbours fighting over a ten foot square of land at the bottom of their gardens. “Is this case capable of resolution,” said the judge when he came into the courtroom at half past ten.

“No” I said. “No” said my opponent. “Very well,” he said, “we will start in fifteen minutes.” After half an hour, the judge still hadn’t come out. After an hour, still no sign.

Eventually, we went to the court office and asked the clerk to get him. She said, “His Honour has gone home for the day.” Armagh should have done that at half time. By then, they were thirteen points behind and there was nothing that could be done.

In light of the amendment to the goalie rule, Armagh dropped their roving keeper Ethan Rafferty before the game and with him went their entire attacking strategy. Armagh are still playing the old game. Kerry have embraced the new one. Blaine Hughes tried to kick the first few kick outs short and they were turned over. David Clifford opened the scoring with a 20 metre free in the front of the posts. Then another one. Then another one, all from the exact same position, leaving it 0-3 to 0-0 after three minutes.

Kerry pressed high, taking advantage of the fact that the defenders can no longer pass the ball back to the keeper. They kicked long and fast to David Clifford and his underlings in the forward line.

In no time at all, it was a cricket score. In the 22nd minute, when Paudie Clifford drove his penalty into the corner a la Eric Cantona, Kerry were eleven up and I expected Paudie to slowly turn 360, chin jutting out, chest out, staring at the crowd.

After that, the most enjoyable thing was Éamonn Fitzmaurice’s constant propagandising about the new rules.

After Kerry’s first goal, “Kerry are really taking advantage of the long kick to the forward line, just as we planned it in the FRC.” A few minutes later, “Kicking the ball in seems simple but it does unlock defences and this was in the forefront of our minds when we were putting together the new rules.”

When David Clifford scored a fearsome point in the 26th minute from the sideline, “At the risk of repeating myself Marty, we are seeing the benefits of the new rules very clearly this evening.”

Before the start of the second half, the camera zoomed in on Kieran Donaghy giving instructions to the Armagh sub, presumably, “If I were you son, I’d tell Geezer the hamstring is playing up.”

There he was, this Kerry footballing icon, bedecked in the Armagh colours, plotting against his own county. I will never, ever understand this. It beats me how he could be so disloyal to his own people.

Armagh did a lot of wrestling and jeering into the Kerry faces before the throw in at the start of the game. They repeated this at the start of the second half, but the heart had gone out of their act, like WWE wrestlers on diazepam.

There was the usual pouring on of sugar from the RTÉ punditry team. Damien Lawlor said at half time, “Kieran McGeeney won’t be happy in the dressing room.” Lee Keegan said, “Kerry will want to lay down a marker here, but at the same time, Armagh are a dangerous team and could easily make a come back.” “You’d have to say Rory Grugan is playing superbly for Armagh?” “He is Damien, a top player.”

With fifteen minutes to go, as I drifted into a lovely snooze courtesy of Éamonn Fitzmaurice’s soothing voice, the last thing I heard was Marty saying, “There’s still a long way to go here, anything could happen Éamonn.”

At that point, the scoreline was 2-17 to 0-11. I would have said, “Wise up Marty.” Which might explain why I watched this one from my sofa.