THE only surprise is that anyone would be surprised by what has been happening in America.
Trump’s social media manager Justin McConney, who had until that point composed and sent all his tweets, came into work one morning several years ago to find – to his horror – that his boss had just sent out his first tweet.
It read “Thanks @SherriEShepherd 4 your nice comments today on The View. U were terrific.” McConney later said “The moment I found out he knew how to Tweet himself, was like the moment in Jurassic Park when Dr Grant realises that veloceraptors can open doors.”
As a 1997 profile of him in the New Yorker put it, “Trump has an existence unmolested by the rumbling of a soul.”
As I write this, Youtube, Twitter, Instagram and Facebook have announced bans on Trump, who is already dead. He just doesn’t realise it yet.
Two other groups who should not be allowed to Tweet or use social media are the GPA and county players. This sugary, cringeworthy combination of Hello Magazine and the GAA has brought us over the last few weeks various retirement announcements……
“On my personal journey, I have been inspired by many heroes: Mahatma Gandhi, Robin Hood, Jesus, Han Solo and of course Superman, but none have reached the heights of heroism of my retiring team mate [insert name here].
“His retirement yesterday in time for the one o’clock news means that the time is now right for me to announce mine today. Although I know that many of you may have mistakenly believed that I retired some years ago, this announcement corrects the record. While I am too modest to describe myself as a hero/warrior/legend, I make this statement safe in the knowledge that my team mates will.
“I want to thank my sponsors Audi, Aldi and Lucozade Sport (which not only improves sporting performance but is also a delicious drink for any occasion) and I hope that we can continue on our heroic journey together over the next decade (at least).
“My sadness at my retirement is tempered by the hope and joy I feel when I press the accelerator of my Audi A3 and feel its throaty roar and effortless handling on the potholed roads of our wonderful county. “Although we have often suffered heartbreak on the field, we have always borne it with dignity and most importantly humility. My greatest consolation at this difficult time is the fact that a hard-pressed family of five can save up to 40 percent on their monthly grocery bill at Aldi.
“I will not be making any further comment until the release of my autobiography “WINNING IS NOT THE ONLY THING” next week, which has been described by GPA Chief Executive Paul Flynn (wearing Benetti three-piece suit) as “the most inspiring thing I have read since Mandela’s Long Walk to Freedom.”
Twitter, Facebook and Instagram need to follow up on their Trump ban by banning this crap. The men of 1916 must be turning in their graves. As Joe Canning remarked, “Why don’t they just ring them up? Or text them? They know the individual personally, so why do it through social media? It becomes a performance. It’s an exercise in self-gratification to see how many likes and retweets they can get to make them feel good about themselves. That need for instant self-gratification is very frustrating to me. If I retire tomorrow, don’t Tweet about me. Ring me.”
Meanwhile, in Cork, a video has been released which appears to show the Cork team training for covert operations in North Korea.
In it, a group of grown men with packs on their backs are seen crawling snake-like up the beach, like the US marines under heavy machine gunfire during the D Day landings.
I thought Tommy Diamond making the Derry lads do laps of the Bellaghy pitch holding building blocks in the mid-80s was funny, but this is a whole new weird. After their self-defeating display of soloing and hand-passing in the Munster Championship, it would fit them better if the Rebels did some kicking practice.
Meanwhile, with the lockdown deepening and problems with forming and having relationships becoming chronic, help may be at hand.
At Christmas, Aido Kondo, a 35-year-old school bursar from Tokyo, walked down the aisle in a white tuxedo and in front of 40 invited guests, said “I do” to his beautiful bride. His mother however was not among the well-wishers. As she told the Japan Times, “For me this is not something to celebrate.”
This might have been because his bride is in fact a highly realistic sex robot called Miku, custom built with a mermaid tail. Mr Kondo told the Times “for me this is a triumph of true love after years of being ignored by women for being a geek.”
A mere £10,000 will bring you a custom built lover from the Orient Corporation of Japan. A lover who can cook, clean, never has a headache at bed-time and when you break up she doesn’t get half. Which will bring hope to young men from Culloville to Cushendall. Boys. Get saving.